I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
