Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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