i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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