I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
