mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
