is your mom at the bar?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
