Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
