I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
