cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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