if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize