my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize