I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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