I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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