Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
