So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
