someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
