is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So apparently I’m into choking now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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