you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You're like the curious george of whores
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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