Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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