so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
