I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
