I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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