I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
