Screwed.edu
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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