I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize