i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
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