I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
