I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
