i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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