I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
