i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
