I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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