I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
