I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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