Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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