wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
