Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize