The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
