final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
