I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
