I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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