The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
