I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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