Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
