You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
