Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize