I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You need a sexual gate keeper
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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