i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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