dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Welp...herpes.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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