I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
