sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
