She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
