We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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