wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize