I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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