Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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