He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
